Giving thanks for the French

I'm giving thanks this weekend for people who think up great French jokes! Some of you will find these "cruel" and think I'm an evil American. Fine. However, I'm guessing that many others will be thankful that I've shared these laughs!

French Jokes

Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?

A. I give up.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

A. The French Army.

Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel?

A. So the French government could to flee to London.

Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?

A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?

A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun.

Q: Why is good to be French?

A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.

Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?

A: To say "I surrender" in German.

Q: Why was Jesus not born in France?

A: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Q: Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?

A: They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.

Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried?

A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French."

"It's Great to Be Collaborating with Germany Again!"

Dateline: Paris, France --

French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac, in honor of France's agreement with Germany to undermine America's efforts in the War on Terror, took German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder on a tour of sites in the French capital city that were visited by another German Chancellor, Adolf Hitler, during his famous Victory Tour of 1940.

"It's so nice to be collaborating with the Germans again," said Chirac during a press conference at the Versailles Palace outside of Paris. "I mean, it's not like there was any real resistance movement when Germany ruled us during World War II. And those black leather coats the Gestapo men wore. Simply to die for."

Most French citizens this reporter spoke with expressed their delight at being able to collaborate once again with the Germans. A recent poll conducted by the newspaper Le Figaro showed that 95.6% of all French people are hoping to be re-occupied by Germany within the next 12 months. The poll results also reveal that the vast majority of French women are especially looking forward to becoming the mistresses of German officers so that they can have sado-masochistic sex in exchange for silk stockings and extra rations.

"Damn those Americans anyway," said Chirac during a visit with Schroeder to the Klaus Barbie L'Ecole Superieure du Behaviour Criminale. "Everything was going along just fine in 1944 and what did they go and do? Land at Normandy. Just like the Yanks, always butting their noses into other people's business. Well, we aren't going to take it lying down any more. This time we're going to surrender to Germany before the Germans have a chance to invade."